Tag Archives: kids

RHONJ decoded: What they REALLY meant.

1 Oct

So being from New Jersey, I have the wonderful talent of being able to decode the verbiage that is RHONJ. Well that and I am an intuitive, snarky brat when I wanna be ūüôā So, here you have it. I am going to decode a few of the night’s best quotes and tell you what it really meant. Some may be paraphrased as I have no more Xanax left so I cannot watch the show again for accuracy. Buckle up bitches (can I say this at the start of all my posts from now on???), you’re about to be schooled…Jersey-style!

What they said: 

Lauren Manzo: My mom let me have lapband…

What they meant: My Mommy paid for my lapband. Or was it Daddy?

What they said:  

Andy Cohen: Kathy, Kathy, we get it. Enough.

What they meant: Stop wasting airtime. You are irrelevant and not even going to be here next season.

What they said: 

Kathy Wakile: You’re father’s a coward.

What they meant: I am going to say the most shocking thing I can think of so that Andy and co. think I bring enough drama to be asked back. The mom is a liar thing didn’t work, so I am going to go with this.

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice:¬†He was Audriana’s boyfriend, but now they broke up.

What they meant:¬†I am uncomfortable and don’t know what to say so let me insert ¬†joke here to ease the tension.

What they said: 

Caroline Manzo: You and your Christmas pageant dress…

What they meant:  You look ten times better than me, so I better attack whatever else I can find.

What they said: 

Andy Cohen: You do go a little (hand signal crazy)  on Twitter

What they meant: Seriously Jac, you are bat shit crazy and your Twitter rants make you look like a fool. But do keep doing it, for ratings of course.

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice: Rich? Yeah, with his yellow teeth.

What they meant: Rich? Yeah, with his yellow teeth.

What they said: 

Melissa Gorga: I was on a red carpet and they asked me about Teresa.

What they meant: I was fame whoring and it was, like, so totally annoying that all they wanted to do, was like, talk, like about Teresa.

What they said: 

Melissa Gorga: ¬†That is so wrong. You don’t go on someone’s looks.

What they meant: Except of course when I am talking about Angelo, Kim D., or anyone else I deem worthy of an insult.

What they said: 

Lauren Manzo: Spell napalm. Go ahead, define it, spell it, go ahead.

What they meant: I am a bitter, nasty bitch so I sit on the computer trying to find ways to discredit you while simultaneously throwing darts at a picture of Lindsey and suckling from Mommy’s teet.

What they said: 

Jac Laurita: Yes you did and I have the recordings to prove it.

What they meant: I can totally drum up any fake evidence I want and say legally I cannot play it. WOO HOO! Everybody drink!!!

What they said: 

Jac Laurita: Hi Andy.

What they meant: Everybody drink!

What they said: 

Caroline Manzo: My brother and I were very scared for her and her mental state.

What they meant: She got ridiculously drunk at Kim G’s house the night before and we were afraid she would either castrate Andy or blow some of Bravo’s best kept secrets.

What they said: 

Melissa Gorga: This bitch is crazy.

What they meant: JOE!! Yell shame on you from backstage or no sex for a week!

What they said: 

Kathy Wakile: Your show, the Teresa Show.

What they meant: Its not just your show, anyone can be on it. Well, except me. Because its more fun watching paint dry than me bike riding, pretending to want to buy restaurants I cannot afford, taking my daughter to see colleges she has no intention of attending or watching my husband in any capacity whatsoever.

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice: Yeah, everytime you are with my parents you tweet a picture of it to piss me off.

What they meant: This, this and two others that were since deleted. 

What they said: 

Lauren Manzo: Because of dickheads like you.

What they meant: This freaking dress is cutting off my circulation.

What they said: 

Jac Laurita: You wanted me to call her out and call her a stripper.

What they meant: I would  never do such a thing. I have a, uh, soft spot, for ex-strippers. Unless its Danielle Staub. Then its wrong. EVERYBODY DRINK!

What they said: 

Jac Laurtia: They hid assets, and purposefully defrauded.

What they meant: We hid assets better than them. EVERYBODY DRINK!

What they said: 

Caroline Manzo: I want to go home.

What they meant: Al is alone in Atlantic Titty. I NEED to keep on eye on him.

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice: You said in your blog Jacqueline that I never spoke badly about Melissa and Joey, to you.

What they meant: Yeah, I read famewhorgas.wordpress.com bitch!

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice:  Blubber, Blubber and Blubber.

What they meant:¬†Didn’t you wear this dress last year? Either way…too tight.

What they said: 

Teresa Giudice: You copied my eye shadow.

What they meant: You want to be me. You copy everything I do. I am going to use a poor example of this because I am on the spot, but you really really do.  

What they said: 

Melissa Gorga: Can you look at me? I am tired of staring at your weave all night.

What they meant: ¬†If you don’t face me, how can I get camera time?

Well there ya have it…there is more I could translate, but I will save my sanity for part two. ¬†Oh and p.s. Rosie Pierri meant exactly what she said…no translation needed.

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